(THEME SONG PLAYING)
Feeny! You. Here. Sit. Now.
Eric, don't use that...
Dean Bolander.
Okay, what you got?
How old are you now, Mr. Feeny? What, 90, 100?
A hundred. What do you want?
Not what I want, it's what you want
but you're not going after.
Eric, my relationship with Dean Bolander
will proceed at my pace, not yours.
You are such a scaredy-cat. I mean,
here's a woman that you've obviously got the hots for
and you're not gonna do anything about it.
Mr. Matthews, don't reduce my feelings
for the woman to "the hots."
Unless, of course, she used that term.
Mr. Feeny, you've been good to me over the years.
You taught me everything I never paid attention to.
It's payback time.
Oh, no, no, payback time. I don't want it. Eric...
It's out of your hands, Feeny. Sorry.
Out of your hands, Feeny. I beg you...
Eric...
Dean Bolander is the kind of woman
that you have to romance slowly, carefully.
Like an orchid.
I'm a gardener. I know these things.
Stop selling me, girls.
I like the man very much.
But he needs to pick up the pace of this dance.
Isn't there anything to be said
for the old-fashioned approach?
Yeah.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Oh, I know. He needs to do something.
He needs to express his feelings.
Goodness knows I've been dropping the man hints left and right.
Well, maybe you're being too subtle.
I hiked up my skirt at the seminar.
Damn!
Feeny, the time is now.
Every second you wait is another clogged artery.
You know, my cholesterol level is high.
George, if not now, when?
Now. That's right!
You are the man, you are the man!
Oh, will you get lost!
I'm lost, I'm lost! Just bring her home.
Excuse me.
Um, Dean Bolander.
Yes?
There's something that I have been meaning to say to you...
There she is! Lila Bolander,
the eighth wonder of the world!
Curtis!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
He must know her.
Well, Curtis, what's it been, 15 years?
All this time, I'm running around the world,
digging up bones, and you're here not aging a day.
Doesn't seem fair.
But I like it.
Relax, this guy's got nothin'.
I want you to meet someone. George?
This is my colleague and friend George Feeny.
Curt Kincaid. Put it there!
A pleasure, Mr. Kincaid.
Oh, come on. What's with the mister?
It's doctor. Dr. Kincaid.
Curtis is in town to speak at our science seminar.
He's made some top-secret find in Africa.
Oh, just a little something
that will change the course of the new millennium.
(CHUCKLING)
So then you're an archeologist?
George, please, that makes me feel like a geezer with a compass.
I prefer fortune hunter, adventurer, or my personal favorite,
Lila's ex-husband.
Ex, it's no problem.
But I'm here to win her back.
You know what? You've been alone this long.
How about, you know, like, a puppy?
And the man stepped in between them.
And the course of true love for one of our own
may have forever been altered by this schifosa.
Why do you come to us now?
On this, the day of our bake sale?
Well, 'cause this just happened, like, five minutes ago.
Okay. What do you need?
I need for you to do me this favor.
(SLURPING)
You need me to do you this favor?
You never invited me into your home.
You never invited me for a cup of coffee.
Yes, I know. And for this I am sorry.
But we must help Feeny,
but he mustn't know that it is us.
This is the biggest job we've ever attempted to pull off.
I come to you with my hat in my hand...
It's my hat. It's my hand.
Are you in, or are you out?
Eric, we're flattered you've come to us.
But look around. We're legitimate now.
We're in the bake sale business.
Guys, it's Feeny. He's family.
This may be his one chance at true love.
Eric, I just spent 68 bucks traveling around this country.
I learned a few things about life.
Why don't you tell him what you learned, Shawn.
(WHISPERING) I love this part.
I learned to be at peace with myself.
I like looking over my shoulder
and not worrying about who's coming after me.
These schemes and capers I used to hatch, they only lead to despair.
That's what I learned.
I also learned never to park a trailer
across a railroad track when that thing is down.
Besides, Eric, I hit a teacher, remember?
Yes.
The dean put me on probation.
I do one thing wrong, I'm outta here.
Don't you think that Feeny can take care of himself?
I'm ashamed.
I am ashamed to call you guys my brother and Shawn.
He ate the paper.
(EXHALES)
What's the matter?
Jack, you know, I really love this.
But have you noticed that this is all we do?
Yeah. Isn't it great?
Yeah, yeah, it is great, Jack. But I want more.
Oh, thank you!
Well, more is right this way.
Oh, Jack, no, I mean,
I want us to be a couple. We are a couple.
I want to go out, Jack.
We haven't gone out since we've become a couple.
I mean, why don't we ever go anywhere?
We go plenty of places.
First we went there, then we went there,
and now we're gonna go up there.
Jack, I wanna be with people. I wanna go dancing.
Uh... Um, let's go to the movies.
The movies are dark, and no one will see us,
and I wanna show you off.
I wanna go dancing, Jack.
You can dance, right? Yeah, I can dance.
Great, then we'll go dancing tomorrow night.
Oh, Jack, this is going to be so much fun!
I can't wait.
So, I jump off the cliff,
grab hold of a big old branch,
jungle-gym to the river,
and never saw Chief Yakazo's ugly mug again.
And the cursed ruby of the Tzang-Kwai
now resides in the Turkish Museum of Natural History
diagonally across from the Hard Rock Cafe. The end!
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Wow. Wow.
Hey, whose side are you on?
Well, thank you, Dr. Kincaid, for that, uh, vivid story,
which provides us with a perfect transition
into today's assignment,
where on neighboring Crete
we will find Sir Arthur Evans
excavating at Minoan Knossos, beginning in 1899.
(COUGHS) You're dying. Do something.
We will read what Evans was most interested in excavating
and the effect it had on archeology in the 20th century.
Ponderous, man, ponderous.
George is a fine educator, Curtis.
Sorry, but when you've had these experiences firsthand,
it's a little hard to get excited about reading a book.
But I suppose reading is a lot safer than actually doing something.
I feel as though this gentleman may require our attention.
Perhaps a lesson in humility.
Something big.
Something spectacular.
But let's not get caught like all the other times, okay?
Okay.
(LAUGHS) Shawnie, of all the plans we've concocted,
this is the best one.
And we have concocted some doozies.
And Feeny always caught us.
Yeah, he always had us figured out.
But we're in college now. We're older, we're wiser.
You think he's up to the challenge?
It's us against him, living on the edge, babe.
I like when you call me babe.
All right. So, Eric said this guy Curtis stored all the stuff
from his last dig here in the science lab.
Yeah, he's supposedly got something
that's gonna alter the course of the new millennium.
Are we ready to execute phase one of our master plan?
Ready. Let's mess this place up.
You know, Shawnie, I honestly don't see
how anything could be simpler.
This is child's play.
What's this, a brain?
That's gotta be his discovery.
He's discovered the world's first brain.
This gets out, Feeny'll never get the dean.
You could get any woman with the world's first brain.
Could I get Topanga?
Yeah, I think you could.
Whoo-hoo!
Whoa, whoa, hey.
That jar's been closed for 5,000 years.
You know, this must be the world's first jar.
How do I get this thing open?
Well, here, here. Hand me the rare Phoenician mallet.
No, no, no, no, that's an early Egyptian dental tool.
There we go.
Phoenician piece of crap.
Shawn, you broke it. That's not part of the plan.
I'll replace it. I see them all the time
at Bed, Bath and Phoenician.
Here, hand me the Byzantine statue of King Hafaratu.
Home Shopping Channel. There's six billion of them left.
(GRUNTING)
Wow, the human brain.
The thing that separates us from the animals.
'Cause they would have an animal brain.
Yeah.
I hold in my hands the pinnacle of God's creation.
Think fast!
You want personality or motor skills?
Energy can be emitted or absorbed by matter,
but only in small, discreet units called quanta.
Feeny, stop hiding behind your books!
Also fundamental to the development of quantum physics
was the uncertainty principle.
Oh, Feeny, you're in pain.
Eric, you're not even in this class.
But someone who is perfectly fine
does not let some world-famous super-duper explorer guy
who's five times the man you'll ever be, swoop in and take your booty.
She is not my booty!
And if she was my booty,
I would prefer not to talk about my booty
in front of the entire class.
Look, come on, Feeny. Everybody knows.
No one knows.
I have behaved in a manner befitting a man of my station.
Word salad, Feeny.
Okay, who here knows who Feeny loves?
ALL: The dean!
All right, everybody out.
We're just rooting for you, Mr. Feeny.
Why won't you make your move?
Eric, in a world that is not run by savages,
there is such a thing as decorum.
Now, decorum would suggest
that a gentleman allow a lady to resolve
an old relationship
before he engages her in a new one.
Yes, but, see, you're already in a new relationship!
You're in a triangle, Feeny,
and take it from somebody who's been in a triangle before,
he who hesitates is lost.
(GASPS) Rachel!
I'm okay, I'm okay.
I'm fine. I'm just like you.
Oh, dear, I don't want to be like you.
(SOBBING)
Cory, look what you did.
You had a perfectly good world's first brain,
and now look at it.
I'm sorry.
Well, well, here. Just, like, smoosh it back together
and put it back in the jar.
I will.
You know what, I better hide this because...
Uh-oh.
Oh, you broke another jar.
Wonder what was in that one?
(BEE BUZZING)
CORY: Whoa! Whoa.
That is one angry bee.
All right, forget the bee. On to phase two.
Yeah. How about we open a window for some air?
Wait a minute, Shawn, won't opening a window set off an alarm?
(ALARM RINGING)
Oh, man. We never learn anything, do we?
No, and now the teacher from next door's gonna hear that alarm.
And he's gonna come in here all mad.
And I wonder who that teacher's gonna be?
BOTH: Oh, no. It's Feeny.
What's going on in here?
Nothing.
We didn't break this stuff.
Well, who did?
You did! And we're telling!
Hey!
Hmm! Come on out, Jack.
I wanna see how good you look.
How ya doing?
Okay, something's different.
Yeah, and we're going out.
Let's go. Hey, hey.
Oh, wait a second. You're tall.
Yeah. So are you. Let's go.
No, I mean, I'm looking straight ahead,
and suddenly you're in my field of vision.
What did you do?
Well, I'm standing up straight.
You know me, I'm a schlump.
I'm a real, uh, down-looker.
Well, let's go. Hey, hey.
What is on your feet?
My dancing shoes.
Oh, I can't believe this. Jack, you bought elevator shoes.
They're not elevator shoes.
The guy never called them elevator shoes.
Oh, what did he call them?
"Manly step-ups."
Oh, Jack! What?
I can't believe this. That's why you didn't want to go out with me,
because you're too embarrassed to be seen with me
'cause I'm so tall.
What are you talking about?
My whole life I've been the tall one, the bean pole.
I never thought that.
"Hey, stilts, how's the weather up there?"
You know, you're crazy. You know why I didn't want to go out with you?
'Cause I thought they'd say,
"Hey, look at the model with that shrimp."
What are you talking about?
You've never been worried about this
before when we've been out.
Yeah, but we've only been out as friends.
I never really thought about this until we got together.
You know what, to be honest,
I never thought you'd be interested in me.
(SIGHS) Well, I am interested in you, Jack,
but not in those.
You know what? I would love to go dancing.
Really? You mean, in front of everybody?
Yes, in front of the whole world.
All right, let's dance.
Oh, Jack.
Come on. Okay.
How you doing?
She's too tall for you.
George!
What?
This? I didn't do this.
I didn't believe them when they told me,
but it's hard to argue with something
that's right in front of your face.
Yeah, we're just as shocked as you are, Dean.
Now, look, this is insane.
Put the brain down!
What in heaven's name were you thinking of when you did this?
I didn't do it! They did it!
Oh!
Mr. Feeny, we are insulted.
Shawn and I have been upstairs
selling muffins for the underprivileged.
They were down here with me.
Topanga, you wouldn't lie for him. Where was he?
He's been selling muffins all day.
So was Shawn.
We're legitimate now.
Why did you do this, George?
Uh, you know something, Dean,
this was simply just an act of love
culminating in an act of vandalism.
It actually happens all the time.
An act of love?
Was this an act of love, George?
(MOUTHING)
Yeah.
Yep.
All right, nobody move.
Where's my bee?
Bee? What bee?
My bee, it's my discovery.
Uh-oh.
It's an African killer bee. I've been searching for it for years.
(LAUGHS) Curtis, you've been out of town a little too long.
Those African killer bees are swarming all over the country.
They're due in Philly next Tuesday.
This bee has a reverse migration pattern.
We mate that species with the killer bees that are already here,
they start migrating back where they originated from,
saving thousands of lives. I could be rich!
(BEE BUZZING)
It's the bee!
Everybody relax! I'll kill it.
No! Don't touch that bee.
Oh, Curtis, no.
The statue of King Hafaratu
you gave me for our anniversary, it's broken.
The hell with the statue.
This stuff is nothing but junk compared to that bee.
This is junk?
Shh! Don't move.
The bee's on you.
Oh, Curtis, you know I'm allergic to bees.
So you puff up for a little while.
This is my Nobel Prize.
I don't think so, Curtis.
Ooh!
Ow!
I think this belongs to you.
I'll return the stinger as soon as it works its way out of my flesh.
No, no, no, no. Don't die. Don't die!
Quick! Where's the zoology department?
Oh, God!
Ha! That guy's a dope, man.
George, that's the most wonderful thing anybody's ever done for me.
I wouldn't let anything harm you, Lila.
I hope you feel the same way about me.
(SIGHS) What took you so long, George?
Kiss her, Feeny.
All right.
Yeah! Whoo!
Now, this is a beautiful moment.
What's even more beautiful, it's the first time
we've ever gotten away with anything in our lives.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
We've washed 734 windows so far.
How did this blow up in our face?
I don't know. We had Feeny scammed.
Yeah, Feeny was nothing,
but his chick is tough.
Ouch. Ooh.
Oh, does it still hurt?
A little.
You want me to...
Oh, please.
All better.
I want to thank you again for going easy on the boys.
Oh. George, one of the reasons I was attracted to you
was because I've never seen a teacher whose students
were willing to go to such lengths to see him happy.
You never actually thought I was the perpetrator?
Oh, I have no doubt that you're capable of acting with reckless abandon.
Oh, I am, I am.
Hey! Well, this is great, isn't it?
I mean, you love him, he loves you, I love you both.
We're a triangle.
Now, um, Dean, there's something you should know.
Feeny and I like to hang out quite a bit,
so, if I'm ever around and you guys are getting (MURMURS SUGGESTIVELY) frisky,
or whatever it is that you guys do,
I'm gonna need some kind of a signal
to know that it's my time... This'll work.
I don't know what I was thinking.
We are perfect for each other. Perfect.
Hi, Mrs. Bertelson.
She's too tall for you.
Jack, stop, stop! Okay, okay, okay.
Jack, look, look, look, look, look.
You said you weren't gonna let this bother you, okay?
It's no problem. I'm okay.
Okay, great.
I hope the cable breaks, Mrs. Bertelson!
Jack, why don't we go inside and make us snuggly.
Yes. I'm not too short for that.
I know.
JACK: Hey. Hey!
Come any closer and I'll club ya.
She's too tall for you.